Yesterday Never Tomorrows

stefferama16 @ 2006-04-09T23:54:00

2006-04-10T07:38:28Z

An excerpt from The Shins...

we fell in a field it seems
now a thousand summers past
when the kite lines first crossed
we tied them into knots
but to finally fly apart
we had to cut them off
since then its been a book
you read in reverse
so you understand less as the pages turn

i dont look back much as a rule...
But your memory is here and i'd like it to stay
Warm light...
On a winter's day.

-this song takes on new meaning to me with every year.

Do you ever wonder if the reason your life is going downhill is because you fucked up somewhere along the line? On some level you made some aggregeous error that cannot be overlooked and because of it you will be eternally punished? Maybe that's what they meant by Hell...simply Karma. Why is my life in shambles? And on that note..what ARE shambles anyway?

My goal: survive without losing all feeling. If the nightmares could subside for one night. If my tears would finally run dry. If everyone would learn to live without this unsettling feeling of constant pressure people refer to as "Serious Relationships" life would be blissfully easy. I miss simplicity.

on a separate note... Jack's Mannequin "The Mixed Tape"

This is morning.
its when i spend the most time
thinking about what ive given up
...
i read your letter
the one you left when you broke into my house
retracing every step you made
and you said you meant it
and theres a piece of me
in every single
second of every single day
but if its true then tell me how it got this way
where are you now
as im swimming throug the stereo
im writing you this symphony of sound
where are you now
as i rearrange the songs again
this mix could burn a hole through anyone
but it was you i was thinking of

I'm sorry...excuse me?!?!

2006-04-02T06:59:50Z

"A 10 sat in front of me on the plane today and reevaluated my scale for the third time to date. New scale is in effect."

That's his latest away message. I can see how much of a best friend/girlfriend I was. He sounds real broken up about things. Someone fucking shoot me. I even bought him his favorite peach candies and dentine ice gum while I was waiting for him to call me all day Friday. I was going to give it to him when I met him on the lake. But apparently, once again, I'm not good enough. Sometimes...I really hate my life. I've officially decided I'm done dating. I mean. What's the difference? I spent a year on a guy that literally took 5mins to turn around. Am I really that insignificant? Why is it so easy for people to just...forget about me like that. Fuck. This hurts.

stefferama16 @ 2006-03-31T23:51:00

2006-04-01T07:00:54Z

Let's talk literature shall we?

Take Jane Austen's character Mr. Darcy of Pride and Prejudice. Yes he may be socially awkward, but he's charming, witty, exceedingly well mannered, devastatingly handsome, etc etc. My question for Mrs. Austen is simply thus...Where can I find such a man?

I do not ask perfection of anyone but myself. I'd venture to say I'm quite agreeable. Why am I so consistently unlucky in men?

Am I easily forgotten? Easily taken for granted?

I can't understand for the life of me why it is so simple for them to just...forget about me. I've gone to such great lengths to see to his happiness. What about mine? I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I hate this feeling of defeat, and yet I can't seem to shake it.

Maybe it truly is all a lie. Maybe all those fantasies I fancied as a child truly are just that....fairytales.

I forfeit this game. Not the hand. Not the round. This entire game. I'm spent.

stefferama16 @ 2006-03-23T00:11:00

2006-03-23T07:22:18Z

This about sums it up.....

"Hide and Seek" - Imogen Heap

Where are we? What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just begun to fall,
Crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling.
Spin me round again and rub my eyes.
This can't be happening.
When busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy.

Hide and seek.
Trains and sewing machines.
All those years they were here first.

Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before.
The takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this
still life.

Hide and seek.
Trains and sewing machines. (Oh, you won't catch me around here)
Blood and tears,
They were here first.

Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that you only meant well? Well, of course you did.
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that it's all for the best? Ah off course it is.
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that it's just what we need? And you decided this.
Mmm what you say?
What did she say?

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth.
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs.
Speak no feeling, no I dont believe you.
You don't care a bit. You don't care a bit.

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth.
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs.
Speak no feeling, no I don't believe you.
You don't care a bit. You don't care a bit.

You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit.

stefferama16 @ 2006-03-06T19:46:00

2006-03-07T02:52:34Z

Ok. So life seems to have dealt me a difficult hand.

Remember that entry I wrote about memories burned into the senses? I've finally found the remedy for getting rid of them. Confront the guy for the last time. And when you find that he could care less how horrible your situation is...that pretty much clears shit up.

I'm tired. I'm scared. I'm alone. But. I'm determined not to let any of this take me down. I'm not going to let this stand.

The trick thus far has been finding things to do. Unfortunately, it's finally come to that moment in time when I can't hide any longer. I've got deadlines and I can't focus on a damn thing.

randomness...for your amusement and mine

2006-02-25T07:36:12Z

i was just thinking if ponys had wings id be more than willing to pay a dollar for a bottle of rum.

if hippopatumi have teeth, it stands to reason that rivers have mouths.

i gotta stop thinking with my vag.

A score to settle, and yet I lie silent

2006-02-25T05:04:17Z

There are some things you never seem to forget. Memories burned into your flesh, branded forever. They sit. Waiting for the perfect moment to stir. No matter how hard you scratch the surface, there's always enough left beneath to continue the torture.
Maybe it's a smell. The scent you used to catch when he walked by.
Maybe it's a taste. The faint residue of beer and a cigarette from the bar.
Maybe it's a touch. The way you used to trace your fingers along his chin and across his lips.
There's just something about the senses. They're always the hardest memories to erase.
There's always that primal moment...when he sees you. His eyes flicker, running through splices of memories that led him there. His nose flares as he fights inner struggles of guilt, fear, and lust.
What drives a person to lie? Is it a gradual surrender to selfish indulgence or is it through careful manipulations, cold and calculated.
Whatever it is. I hope that Karma catches up with his guilty conscience.

New Years Reservations

2005-12-31T23:07:47Z

I have so many reservations about the next year. I'm supposed to be making resolutions, not plotting my escape patterns. Other than that, same resolutions as always I suppose:

I resolve to lose the weight I may have gained eating Christmas dinner.

I resolve to always give people the benefit of the doubt.

I resolve to never again be an emotional punchingbag for anyone.

to be a better person

to always listen when someone needs a shoulder to cry on

to forgive, forget, and move on

....and now for the more depressing aspect of things....

I will not allow myself to feel lonely on Valentine's Day (bc we all know I'll be dateless again)

I will not succomb to the depressing thought of yet another emotional mess which I have stumbled upon

I will keep my friends close and my enemies as far as possible (screw the saying - it's dangerous)

that being said...I'm curious as to how many I will keep this year. I'll be hitting the gym as soon as I get back so that's taken care of. other than that, it's anyone's guess. Anywho. I'm off to drive my brother to a friend's house and help cook for yet another dinner party. oy.

butterfly - out!

Like an old joke told again...

2005-12-29T03:22:41Z

There's something truly comical about life's circumstances. What makes some cry, makes others laugh. Everyday, I look myself in the mirror. Sometimes it's forced. I'll be the first to admit that there have been days that I was ashamed of what I saw. Other times, I'm captivated. By simple things really. Like the fact that I can see the left side of my dresser when from a normal angle, I can't. When I was a kid, I used to take my old, wicker framed mirror off the wall...sit on my rocking chair and stare down into the reflection. And as I sat, I would roll my wrists allowing the mirror's gaze to glide over the room. It felt like flying. I was on the ceiling, the walls, the floor. I felt weightless, lightheaded, giddy. Funny. Kids always want the cool new gadget to occupy themselves. I had a mirror. And an attic with an infinitely amusing ceiling reflection. I'm reminded constantly that life's stories are all like that mirror. Seemingly mundane, and yet pricelessly amusing.

Ever wonder if we're putting the emphasis on the wrong things?

Ever feel like there's some inside joke that the entire world is in on...and you can't quite recognize it?

I spent an entire semester watching, waiting, hoping for something that simply was not going to come. It's finally here. And ironically, by the time it showed up, I had become apathetic. Like meeting an old friend. There are thousands of memories, flooding your mind, and yet...when you leave...all you can think...is well...it was nice to have bumped into so-and-so. You clear it from your mind with a complacent smile...and carry about your business. The chance meeting no more than a memory archive to be filed away with all the others which had been unearthed. Should I be concerned that I simply do not care? I've given up on the romaticism of life. There's no beauty. No mystery. No heart-throbbing aching emotion in meeting new people anymore. No butterflies. No tears welling in my eyes. Not even a knot in my throat when talking to that cute guy. I simply am. And I simply do. Nothing more. Nothing less. I could get used to this. There's certainly no pain. Everything is too cold and calculated to feel personal. I feel like I've lost something...but I'm not upset about it. It's like...losing that piece of trash you were going to throw away. So..I don't get the pleasure of watching its disposal, but have I really lost something substantial? No, of course not. I simply hope someone else will spot what I've left behind and either take it home as a treasure worth finding and revering, or throw it away as I originally intended. Becoming attached is a waste of energy. It's too much, too fast, at far too great a price. Maybe I've finally learned to safeguard against it.

lets not make this personal...

2005-12-03T01:39:31Z

I think one of the worst feelings in the world is being forgotten. Friend forgot to pick you up. Someone you recognize doesn't know you. Waiting for someone to call but the phone never rings. It's that feeling of..."one more minute, I'm sure they'll come around," that always gets to me. One minute turns into 30. 30 into an hour. An hour into a day. Until finally you realize... She's not going to pick you up. He's not going to call. And another day was wasted in the hopes of something that will never happen. I guess I'm not sure what is it about forgetting that is so bothersome. The fact that you wasted your time. Or the fact that you were pathetic enough to wait THAT long. Or the simple fact that someone simply did not remember you. I guess

I'm willing to put up with less and less forgetfullness. I used to wait an eternity just to hear from people. I remember nights I'd wait until 2am to see David. Just to say hi. Ridiculous. I just dont have the patience for that sort of thing anymore.

It's been a rough week. For everyone. I'm looking forward to going home. But I know a few old demons will be waiting for me there. No rest for the wicked I guess.

I'm looking forward to seeing Kev again. I really want this to work. I'm apprehensive bc of the lack of communication lately...but as usual I'm striving to keep it together. Just two more weeks. Then I can go back to work. I miss it there.

-Butterfly-

something about this place isn't right

2005-11-30T07:21:25Z

i had a dream the other night. I was lying on the top of a rooftop somewhere. the stars were so bright it nearly burned my eyes. just lying on a blanket alone. looking up. something about it set me off a bit. i felt like someone was there with me. but there was no one. it was oddly comforting to be alone. i remember it was cold. i started to lose feeling in my hands. but i didnt care. the numbing cold just kind of slowly took over me. i didnt move. just stared.

its weird. i think ive put in a lot more safeguards when getting to know people now. im cynical about what they tell me. words are only words. actions are much more powerful. there was a time when words were all i needed. they didnt have to have any particular meaning. they just need exist. and i would find some scrap of something to hold on to. now. i dont really take anything anyone says seriously. hehe. im still gullable as ever in stupid matters. ill fall for any dumb story someone feeds me. but relationship matters are an entirely new form of cynacism. i guess thats what happens when you dont get out of the bad ones fast enough.

i feel bad. i want more now. i dont demand it. hell i dont even ask for it. but i would like something more. i kinda wanna be treated to dinner. i dont want to have to pitch in for dates anymore. i used to put up such a fight. but now. not so much. i feel horrible for saying it, but i feel i deserve something. ick. i feel disgusted even saying that. but i see so many other people going out to eat. enjoying each others company. so forth and so on. and i cant help but think. i missed out. in some cases it was definitely my fault. i made it hard on some of the guys. others...it was expected that i take the shit as it came and smile regardless. im tired. i almost feel like being on that rooftop with someone wouldnt have been as enjoyable. i was cold and could have used someone to keep warm, but i didnt seem to miss it.

i find it hilarious that everytime i write in this journal its a bitchfest. haha. i always feel better afterward. im sure if anyone reads this they think im a sappy whiney chic. im not. im actually really happy most of the time. i finally rid myself of a lot of drama. and ive never felt freer. i sleep better. i laugh more often. every once in awhile i have a bad day. im a writer. we write to ease pain. its in my blood. hahah. i kinda like it. i dont need a punching bag. dont need to get into a fight. dont need to lash out at people. all i need is a blank page. and a cup of cocoa. and a good nights sleep. and in the morning. my memory will have erased this entire episode from my brain. heh. short term memory has its ups and downs. a definite benefit is while you may lose some memories you wish you could hold on to, the bad ones are lost just the same. and you wake up in the morning with a distant recollection of some off feeling...and notice the comfort food stash has been broken into...but you dont remember how it felt. what it was about. or even if it was that important. you just stretch. get out of bed. and go about the day. its amazing really. momento. thats me. all i need is a polaroid camera. (i use index cards - hahaha).

anyways. off to bed. test tomm.

Butterfly's New Wings

2005-11-14T09:04:39Z

It's interesting...the metamorphosis your surroundings undergo in just a few months time. Situations present themselves and you find out who your real friends are. You may be sorry to let some go, but sometimes...it's for the best.

Things with Kevin have never been better. He continues to surprise me everyday. I feel like I can really trust him. I have trouble trusting people, so thats pretty big. hehe. I can't wait to see him again. I miss him so much. I can't begin to imagine how wonderful break will be. Being held in his arms. I miss stupid things. Watching movies. Playing pool at odd hours of the night. It will be nice to gain it back again. I hope I'm not being stupid in hoping this might go somewhere. hehe. I'm so happy. I hope he is too.

Old Friends Never Stay the Same

2005-11-07T08:52:17Z

I think today is the day I finally realized...a friend I used to have is no longer there. There's not a single part of him that I recognize anymore. Once upon a time...I could find a few things about him from the old friend I used to know. Now, that friend is gone. I find myself wondering if it's worth it. He was a big part of my life, but the guy I used to know isn't there. He's a shell of what he used to be. He says things that are so spiteful....bitter...twisted even. It's too much heartache to handle anymore. I miss my friend, but I have to come to terms with him not coming back. I'm too tired of the fighting. Too tired of the name-calling. Too tired of the drama. Too tired of him never being happy himself or for his friends. I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm deeply saddened. I hope he's happy. G-d knows where his decisions will take him, but I don't seem myself being in that path anymore. I don't want to cry anymore. I'm better than this. Not better than many things, but this...I know I'm better.

This Is Over My Head, But Underneath My Feet

2005-10-28T07:22:38Z

I'm a little apprehensive about tomorrow. I told Kev I'd like him to call. I hope he doesn't forget again. It's my own fault. I told him in the beginning of the relationship that he can just fit me whenever. But I'm starting to feel very much alone. I feel like I wouldn't hear from him if I didn't call and write. I dunno. I know he's having a wonderful time at the frat, but I almost wish he hadn't gone through with it. I miss getting those phonecalls just to say "I miss you." I saved this message from when he first started his road trip. He mentioned he was in Niagara Falls...and just wanted to say hi and remind me how much he missed me. I had never experienced anything like that before. I guess I got spoiled. But anyhow. I think I might mention something tomorrow when he calls. I know he's busy, and he needs to blow off steam on his free time...but all I ask for is a phone call maybe once a weekend. Just to know he's thinking of me. I don't mind calling him...but when I'm the only one calling it makes me wonder if he even really misses me. Maybe I'm just being selfish. Maybe it's all in my head. All I know is I'd give anything to see him right now. I think about him a lot...and I'm afraid he may not feel the same way. I'd hate for this to fall apart. I care about him. I don't remember being that comfortable with someone I had only spent a week with. I feel like Ive known him forever.

Tonight's the Halloween party at his frat. I dunno what to think. I hope he had a lot of fun. I gotta admitt, I'm a little worried with the costume he picked, but I trust him. I just miss him. I feel like I always seem to have horrible timing. To be honest I don't even know if he considers me a girlfriend. We've never mentioned titles or anything...It just felt right to say it (at least for me). I guess I find myself doubting a lot of things these days. It's hard not to when I'm so miserable with classes and my dorm. Thank g-d for Sasha and Paul. I dunno. The weather finally turned cooler. I find myself sleeping better. (still 4 hours average - but it's more due to the workload than stress now). Just started going back to the gym. I want to give Kev something to be proud of when he comes home. Am I being stupid again? Am I falling for the same illusion I did once before? I don't want to be that girl who waits by the phone for a call that isn't coming...but I have a bad feeling I will be tomm.

I have this uncontrollable urge to take the battery out of my phone...kick Rachel out of the room...and just sit inside...sleep. dream. anything beside work for once. wish it would rain. wish it would snow. something cold and comforting. I know I can do this. I haven't even looked at another guy I've been so content with the idea of Kev. But it's hard when I don't see him and he doesn't call. The only thing we have is talking right now. Without that I feel like he may think I'm not worth it. and move on. I hope he hasn't already. I should go. The cold night air is making the idea of sleep far too enticing to pass up.

This is over my head,

But underneath my feet.

Give me a few hours,

I'll have this all sorted out.

I wish it were just that easy.

-lifehouse-

butterfly, over and out.

The Waiting

2005-10-27T01:42:14Z

Had a pretty horrible day yesterday. Tried to talk to Kevin. But he's too busy. I know it was kinda selfish of me to ask him to talk when it was so late his time and he has tests all week...but i really needed to talk. REALLY needed to talk. He let me rant for awhile, but i guess he was way distracted with work. didnt say much. then had to sleep. i felt horrible. i wish i could lighten his load. bc i miss talking to him. he said he'd call me today to check on me since i asked him to. but i have a horrible feeling hes just not going to have time. i dont like to ask for much. bc i know he has so much on his plate. but im so lonely. anyways. thats my rant. i kinda feel better now.

i went to the gym for the first time in a long time today. i really want to look good for kev just a few more months. amazing that i made it this far. i feel like its really worth it this time. i really care about him. i just hope he cares about me too. heh. you know the usual relationship anxieties. heheh.

anyways. i should go do my crunches and read my papers. wait for a phone call. crossing my fingers.

i wish

i hope

maybe...

kill me before the cold sets in

2005-10-03T05:53:21Z

Call me up
Thats all I need
Bring your loving, smiling face over I
Feel like I'm getting it right
Over night, start over
I thought playing that loving game would never been simple again
But your staying over night so maybe I'm doing something right
You can feel in the trees
I feel it by degrees
Feel it fresh and new
I'm getting myself in love with you

(Chorus)
The sun will rise up
You'll be freedom
So much freer than you were before
It's in the scene now
It's in the season
So excited it's knocking down your door

And the saying here
Is such a funny story
After a winter of getting dull and blue like a tory
And getting all feared up
Because the bond that ties
Cries, Lies
Insights the tear to your eyes
And You know I'm insane
To go running from love again
Into a lovers arms like a burglar under an alarm
It's like a fucking swarm of bees
Or some waitress that's a tease
Or some song thats full of lines
Coming 'round you late at night

(Chorus)...
The sun will rise up
I will wise up
So much freer that we were before
It's in your seething
It's fucking teaming
Soaring around you
Taking you on a tour

But now I know
Who the fuzz
Is such a buzz
From the start
You press the memory
You press the memory to your heart and
What you waiting for
Fall in love;s an idea for sure
What you waiting for
Like there was any law
She's like a sonnet
She's so on it
From the start
You press the memory
You press the memory to your heart and
What you waiting for
Fall in love's an idea for sure
What you waiting for
Like there was any law

(Chorus)
You'll bring that blessing
We'll sing the resting
Freedom to prisoner
Freedom

- Words of Wisdom from Nizlopi - Not sure I got all the words right...I typed them from memory and the guy kinda has a weird English accent. So enjoy.

something about your eyes tells me you're a lie

2005-10-03T05:19:09Z

Randomness. I hate allergies, fuzzies stuck on your shirt just before a crucial first impression, wet jeans, too much attention, gaining weight when stress sets in, sleeping in a room thats not 60 degrees, having to wear shower flip flops, not being able to sleep naked, exams.

I hate dreams that remind me of better times only to wake up to white walls and a stress load that could give a cow a stroke. Hate losing touch with friends...you know the ones you thought would always be there, and then a few years down the road, you look back, and think...when was it you lost them?

I hate never being able to recall what is it that caused a rift, but the animosity for whatever person or situation remains.

I hate feeling special. There's always that one person who can make you feel like you're the only thing that matters in the entire world. What they don't tell you in the romance books is what it feels like when that person is slipping away.

Simple pleasures help me. Sunset (bc G-d knows i'm not up early enough to see sunrise), ice cream, working out, sleep, sketching, writing, singing, a good cry, the smell of rain (G-D i wish it would rain), successfully evading the creepy kid from the laundry room, butterflies (i've been seeing them EVERYWHERE lately), knowing someone out there somewhere has to care, getting a full night's sleep - and then some.

Ok. Things I love....I love feeling like there's still hope, thinking of something to look forward, first kisses, jingling keys, getting a phone call at the end of the day when someone promised they'd call later, a hug after a long day (and similarly - when someone far away types *hug* bc i feel like they're trying their best to be there).

I love things that click (clicky pens, clicky lamp switches, car window controls, etc), cancelled classes, kevin's smile (i miss it - i often wonder if he misses me), kevin's smell, hair, aah. so much for NOT thinking of him today.

Random aside....I miss him a lot. I haven't really talked to him on the phone in a long time. I'm trying to be the strong one, since I know he's under so much stress...but I selfishly wish he could stop to talk to me a bit. I know. I'm a bitch. Meh. I just kinda leave him fun little messages to let him know I'm thinking of him. I feel guilty about the whole thing. I'm one of the reasons he stayed. I'm proud of him, but I didn't mean to make him so miserable. When all that happened, and he wasnt sure he'd go back to school, I selfishly wished he wouldn't...then I could see him all the time. Any day he could spare to drive and see me...but I told him to finish school bc i figured that was the responsible thing to support him on - it wasnt about me. I just hope by the time I get to see him it isn't too late. I don't want to lose him. He means a lot to me. I just hope I mean the same to him. I keep my hopes uo. Everytime the phone rings my heart skips a beat, maybe it's him. hehe. That usually fades afer like a week of dating the guy. I'm glad it's still there. That's gotta count for something.

this entry is far too long. TO BE CONTINUED...

All dressed up and nowhere to go...

2005-09-24T08:25:14Z

The essence of getting your hopes up....In two parts....

Part one...

SO I actually went to my first frat party....and walked straight back out. As I walked in, the doorman tried to charge my friends and they left...So Sasha and I continued to go inside except the second we walked in...the doorman kicked 30 people out bc the house was too crowded...and someone spilled shit on Sasha...which was enough for her to call it a night. And THAT was my Frat experience. woot. Unfortuntaley...I really needed a drink after a stressful week.

Part Two...

On top of having a l-o-n-g painful week, I haven't really had a good talk with Kev in a long while. I'm so happy for him bc he seems much more at home. He's out with his frat bro's every weekend...getting all hyped up...comes home to crash and sometimes i catch him for a line or two. he's all lovey when he's smashed. it's cute. i just miss talking to him i guess. I can't bother him during the week bc i dont wanna interfere with his hw...but on the weekends hes partying. heh. so i feel like im botherin him when i call. i called the other day, but he was in class. he mentioned he'd call back when his work cleared up. poor thing musta been bogged down bc i didnt hear from him. id hate to call again and be clingy. ill probably wait to hear from him. i dunno. can i do that? call again? its been two days since i called...and like...a week since we last talked on the phone. so im not sure what the rule is. hehe. i just dont wanna mess up a good thing i guess. where do you draw the line on that shit? whatever. im being dumb again. i know. i over think things. but the last time i went with impulse it didnt pan out. heh. i just miss him is all.

mental vacation: i dont have anything racey to share...but i have something else...

You know that odd empty feeling. Its the complete and polar opposite of the feeling you have just before the plummet in a rollercoaster ride. Sometimes..I picture it as a thing...an object...a living being. not just a sensation. I used to joke about it being my only companion. it just seemed to become part of me. a string weaved into this... fabric snugly fitted around me...or a crow that shadowed my shoulders....content to rest quietly at my side shifting its gaze. i just wonder if its as commonplace to others sometimes. im sure it will pass. ironically its the first time ive felt like this since i started dating kevin. im sure it will pass. helps to write. and we all know. i bounce back well. hehe.

love to all. sorry if i brought you down. this was more for me than anything else. im a selfish bitch.

Revenge is Ever So Sweet When Subtle

2005-09-20T02:18:01Z

Today I was walking through the Student Union when I stumbled upon a few kids I knew back in Elementary and Middle School. It was definitely lucky timing. I had dressed up to go to a Comedy Sketch Night featuring Vince Vaughn....so I hate to be stuck up....but let's face it no one reads this thing....I looked HOT. anywho. It was hilarious. He was stumbling over himself a bit. His buddy came up to me, told me his name and immediately asked me to come to this "Ragin' Cajun" party at the Frat House. I've never been to a frat party, not sure I would like one. BUT i found it infinitely amusing that they were stumbling over themselves. Revenge is so sweet. There is justice. I'll be back later to write out a mental vacation....but as for right now...i got a show to go to. PEACE.

-butterfly-

Wildcats know how it's done

2005-09-10T22:54:58Z

Hello everyone and welcome to another thrilling chapter in the life of Stefanie. Shall we begin?

Just lounging around today with no motivation to really accomplish much. (Unfortunate, because I have four papers to write).

BUT....That's beside the point. Played guitar for a bit today. Someone caught me in the bathroom singing and complimented my voice. woooot. That was really cool. She couldn't see who I was...so I know she wasn't just being nice....she actually called out and asked who it was to find out. I felt all special. There's a karaoke night soon in the student union. As soon as I bounce back from my cold...I'll be there!

I found out today that My Chemical Romance cancelled a concert in Houston and will be coming to Tucson instead! AAAAHHH. I can't wait. They were AMAZING live. SO. The count so far\....Death Cab For Cutie in Phx, Fallout Boy and MCR here in Tucson. Finally... concerts I can get excited about! There's hope for Tucson yet. (Oh and I have tickets to see a comedy sketch my Vince Vaughn next week).

In other random news. I was very very bad today. I'm not going to go into why. It's not important. I just felt the need to say something.

Finally the mental vacation for the day....

TODAY takes us to Chicago. I was walking the streets of the busy city taking in the sounds, scenery, excitement. A small drop of rain fell down right in front of my feet. As I looked up, the sky seemed to open up and a downpour sent people scattering in all directions. I threw my arms out and laughed soaking in the rain. I ran over to the nearest stoop and took cover under the overhang, clutching my sides to keep warm, boasting an excited smile. "I love this city!" I said, turning to the man I shared the stoop with. I leaned forward and stuck my tongue out catching a few more drops and giggled inspite of myself. The man next to me smiled. "Yeah. It's good to be home. I'm Patrick, and these are my friends Pete, Joseph, and Andrew." It hit me. "You're Fallout Boy! I love your stuff. This is amazing! Quite possibly the best day I've ever had!" I could hardly contain myself. Dripping wet in suburban Chicago and I managed to bump into one of my favorite bands! Patrick shyly grinned, "If you're not doing anything tonight, we're planning on hanging out at my house for some drinks and a movie. Nothing special, but you're more than welcome to join us." "I would love to."

And that is how I met the Fallout Boy and spent my trip in Chicago. It's purely in it's first stages, but we're talking about releasing an album together. I can't wait. I'll let you know when the CD drops. Butterfly - OUT.

The Rain Outside Has Kept Me Company

2005-09-09T21:37:50Z

I tried having a jam session with Taylor a few days ago. He came up with some amazing guitar parts. Ironically, now...I can't write! I'm too content with things. I find the only times my music is any good are when I'm about to give up. The life of a former tortured soul I suppose.

Random thought...

What does it mean to know what you're made of? What kind of situation does it take for you to know this is what you're meant for? The fabric of life always seems to present some new challenge, a new adventure, new people...In an environment that's always changing, how can anything be considered consistent? The only element in my life which has never wavered has been my passion. For as long as I can remember, I've had something to strive for. My music, my friends, my writing. But as hard as I try, I can't seem to remember what instance signaled me. What drove me to the realization that I was meant to pursue these things. I guess I'll never know.

In other news. I'm chillin at Ruthies. Made a random trip to see her when she seemed a little overwhelmed with things. Wish I could drive to Boston too. But oh well. I'm glad I could be here for her. She's been such an enormous part of my life. It's the very least I could do. Wish you could have seen her face when I unlocked the door. HAHAHA. PRICELESS. I'll hold onto that for a long time.

-Butterfly-
(I;ll do a mental vacation later)

Aces high when you're feeling low

2005-09-06T13:15:11Z

In the true spirit of returning to school, I have already gotten myself sick. Honestly I have NO idea where I picked up this cold but it's driving me insane. I've been up since 5am (It's 6am now - incase you wanted to know) and haven't been able to get a bit of rest between homework and feeling downright lowsy. I'm tempted to stay in today, but I have too many important classes.

I've tried about three different types of drugs now...(not all at once calm down) and nothing seems to be working. I'm sporting my wildcat sweatpants and Aces High T-Shirt. Hotness. I actually was driving Scooter to his sister's house yesterday and he commented on the band... said it was too bad when they broke up because he really loved them. (Big into ska).

David's radio show is back online in a few days. Sundays from 8-10. I'm excited. That's not nearly as late which is good bc I have 9am classes now. OY.

Haven't talked to Kevin much lately. He seems to be really busy. I hope everything worked out with school. I know he was really stressed out about it. "The big talk" with his parents was supposedly yesterday, but I didn't have time to ask him about it bc him and Pierce were on their way out. I miss him a lot. I wonder if he misses me too. I'm almost afraid to say it too much, because my experience has been that guys feel it's "clingy" when you express that kinda stuff. I think he's different. I've mentioned it before and he said it right back. But I still get paranoid about these things.

Read about 5 newspapers yesterday bc I had been backlogged from the weekend. THAT was fun. NOT. Managed to finish enough of my homework to make it look like I attempted things. Other than that....I'm done. Maybe I'll get 30mins sleep before class. laters.

Butterflies and Hurricanes

2005-09-03T21:27:49Z

I camped out last night...Sort of....I was in a tent in Paul's living room. HAHAH. It has been amazing spending time with the boys.

I've been a little distracted lately, but I'm sure it will pass. Just missing Kevin and Ruthie mostly. Kev just made it to MIT early this morning. That must have been a hell of a trip. I wish I could pick up and go on a road trip like that. Sounds like such an adventure.

As for me. I have two papers and about 8 hours of other assorted assignments i SHOULD be doing. I just can't seem to bring myself to do them. I just want to spend all day in bed. That sounds wonderfully tempting right now.

Anyways. I should be heading home to start on the homework my parents yelled at me for not doing. Laters.

-Butterfly-

New Eyes For The Blindsided

2005-09-01T06:23:09Z

To those who care to listen...

This is my first entry in a long time. I feel like a newbie all over again...let's see...where to begin. I'm back in the armpit of Arizona. yes you guessed it....Tucson. But I'm steadily realizing it's not so bad. I've got a good group of friends who get me out when I'm feeling down. Paul, Dan, Yahia...what would I do without you? Can't wait for the toga party! hahahaha.

In other news...Ruthie has started Culinary School. I'm so proud of her. She's doing sooooo well. Best chef I've ever known! I miss her though. I don't know what I did before her. But I do know she'll never get rid of me now! mwuuhhahahaha.

I recently started seeing someone. GASP yes I know. He's amazing. To put it simply. Unfortunately, I managed to pick another one that isn't in my zip code. I don't know how I keep doing that. But I figure this one's worth the wait. Well worth it. I just hope he thinks the same about me. Thinking about him makes me smile.

Nothing new with school. Honors sucks. Too much work. But you learn to deal.

My friend Josh got a house nearby campus. He looks great and the house is awesome. I'm jealous. hehehe.

And now for the famous tradition...

Today's mental vacation....

A deserted pool hall in the middle of nowhere-ranch. I drove up because I needed to escape. The city lights slowly drifted away until the only light left was the moon. I followed it to an old barn looking house on the top of a nestled hill. Inside was a lonely pool hall. Looked like no one had been in there for years. But it was incredibly cozy. I racked up and started a game. Never occurred to me I might be trespassing. Somone walked in...my heart froze...What should I say? I'm on their property illegally....A man walked in. Blonde hair, stood about 6'4" and a smirk that made me bite my lip. "What are you doing?" he asked. "I'm sorry. I can't even explain how I got here. Please don't call the police...." I was shaking. "No, I mean you're holding the stick all wrong. You gotta lean into it." He casually walked over and pressed up behind me guiding my hands to take the shot. It wasn't long before I forgot about the game...and I'll leave the rest to the imagination. hehehe. G'nite everyone.

ruthie's coming tomm!!!

2005-06-04T04:49:39Z

Thank God. Ruthie's coming tomm. I can't wait to see her. Man I can't believe i survived so many weeks without her. i dont know how i did it.

in other news...i got a job. thank god. i feel important, needed, independent. plus im too busy to think about david at work. which helps a lot. ive been dying to write lately but can never find the energy. i feel that swelling inside like if i dont write something ill burst. but it takes so much out of me. like i leave a piece of me on the page. does that make me less human? poring myself onto a blank page. how long before i dont have anything left to myself? oh well. it helps i suppose. maybe one day ill stop writing these tragic, love-sick, twisted lyrics. perhaps the day i give the last piece of me that is holding on to the memories of being with david to that blank page ill find some peace.

i spoke with a close friend last night about a girl he likes. it was really sweet to see him smile whenever he thought about her. im rooting for him. i hope it works out. i would love to see him happy. we had an interesting converation. he mentioned he'd never been devastated. i wondered what that would be like. is that better or worse than feeling the utter disappointment of a dying love? i cant tell. at this moment, i wish i hadnt found that feeling that has to die in order to create devastation. but i know in the next moment i think....without finding that spark, i wouldnt be who i am. wouldnt know the exileration that is finding something to be proud of or love. i dunno. i guess these are growing pains. i just hope the experience doesnt turn me cold. because i could swear i lose feeling with every passing day.

today i noticed that. and i took time out to just drive. stepped outside when the sunset and just soaked it in. oddly enough. the first thing i thought of....well....thats not important i guess.

-butterfly-
still finding myself. if i get back before i get here, tell me to wait 15mins ok?